BEER AND LOATHING IN COLUMBUS, OHIO (A LONG STORY OF CONSEQUENCE)

PRELUDE: PRIVILEGED CONTENT WARNING DISCLAIMER

To the people who do not know me in real life, or on a deep personal level:

This story could - and most likely will - be read as off-putting or "privileged" and I'm acutely aware of this. If you don't know me, here's something you need to know about me: I am a bougie motherfucker, and I'm okay with that. I've also been on both sides of the coin when it comes to financial privilege, but to a lesser extent. I'm not an -aire by any means of the definition; I, like many people in my generation, live paycheck-to-paycheck. What I choose to do with that money (after paying for essentials like rent/bills/etc.) is my choice. I'm a childless millennial who isn't the best at saving, but satisfied with living in the moment and splurging on things I enjoy.

One of the things I enjoy is traveling, and being comfortable with where I lay my head when I'm not home. With that being said, lodging is very important to me; Hotel > Motel, and I'd rather not go at all if I'm gonna be staying in the latter. That's never gonna change, and this story is an exaggerated version of me staying at a Motel. So, if you're privy to the motel experience, or dislike people who prioritize bougie experiences when traveling, this story is not for you. Pointblankperiod. Save yourself the urge to send me anon shame, because it will go through one ear and out the other. I stay ten toes on what I enjoy, and your unwarranted opinion will not sway mine. ENJOY!

ACT I: COLUMBUS, WE ON YO ASS!

I flew to Columbus, OH to link up with one of my best friends for a soccer game. Lemme tell you something about..we'll call him D

D is my man. Like, my man man. He's been there through all the ups and downs in my life, and we've traveled around the country - sometimes out of the country - to watch our team play. "Have soccer - will travel" is the motto when it comes to us; we've done "away days" in cities like Vancouver, BC, Seattle, Portland, LA, Atlanta, Monterrey MX, Victoria BC, and Nashville, just to name a few.

Some of these away days were accomplished without any hiccups. Those were the trips that eye had a hand in, in regard to where we were staying. Then there were the trips D planned - or tried to get me to be a part of last minute - when I walk into a dumpster fire of a situation and try to get the next flight out. Not because of him specifically, but we've slept on airport floors, shady hotels, and in one instance, a rental car because we couldn't find somewhere to stay. However, most of these trips happened while we were in our mid-to-late 20's and financially unstable.

Fast forward ten years, and we both have steady jobs and - albeit, not rich by any means - are in better financial positions in our lives to where we no longer have to "rough it." Besides, my body and mental stamina when it comes to traveling don't hit like it used to; if I know for a fact that I won't be comfortable on an away day, then I'm not going. Nothing is better than watching your favorite team from the comfort of your own home. I've watched many away matches he's attended in person from my living room; he'll live-text me about how miserable the weather is, missing flights, or whatever mishap happens in an adventure and I'd be sitting in the living room like

Damn bro, that's craaaaaaaaaaaazy.....

That's D for you; he'll do whatever it takes to see his team play, especially if he hasn't been to that city or country. ANYWAY

We found out in May that our team would play Columbus in the US Open Cup semifinal. Neither of us has been to that soccer stadium, and now we have a legit reason to go. As soon as the final whistle blew in the home Quarterfinal match to advance, he looked at me and said

"Bro. We have Columbus away in September for the semis. We gotta go."

Say less.

Keep in mind, this declaration was in May, meaning we were four months out from the semifinal match. I'm not thinking anything of this trip all Summer because I know it wouldn't be a multi-day trip that required extensive planning.

Fast forward to the end of August and I confirm with D that I'd gotten the time off work to attend the match. Everything was falling into place; flight was booked, ticket to the game was complimentary for away supporters, and hotel--

Hotel...

*cue dream sequence fog*

Airport floors...rental cars...hotels that don't have any reward programs

I - we are in our midthirties, now. He knows that I prioritize comfort when traveling for away games, right? Like, we've grown out of that *phase* in our lives. I mean this is Columbus (no disrespect to the residents), so it can be a quick in and out and not expensive...right? I mean, I can trust him to set up the hotel plans since this was his idea and I'm just a tag along for the ride. I'm gonna split the room with him and it'll be fine...right?

RIGHT???

I text him in a smalll, tiny, miiiiiiiiiniscule panic

"Aye bro you got the hotel for Columbus away yet?"

"Nah, but I'ma figure it out."

I didn't question him or the situation. I'm under the mindset that we're going to a small city - compared to an Atlanta or Seattle - and it's a Wednesday, so lodging shouldn't be a problem. Even though we've been through it, D is my man. D is one of the people I trust with my life.

He's got this.

The day before the game, I'm at work - in Los Angeles, mind you - and I get a text from D

"Hotel is booked. It's $130 total."

Reasonable enough. $65 for a quick stay won't damage my wallet, and I come home late from work (midnight) so I can sleep in a little bit before flying up. Mayyyybe I can get a little nap in before the game because I know I'll be tired. I receive a follow-up text

"You taking the 5:30 AM flight through Atlanta?"

NIGGA, NO!!!!

ACT II: LOATHING, LODGING, AND THE OLENTANGY

I got home as scheduled, and fall asleep at 1:30 AM because I had body-is-tired-mind-is-wired energy. I planned on taking the 11 AM flight to connect through Atlanta, then land in Columbus around 4 PM, with the game starting at 7:30 PM. Mentally, my day looked like this:

. . .

The morning of the game everything goes as planned until bullet point 4; I realized in that moment

Shit…I need to know where we’re staying. D sent me a text around 10:30 AM saying he took the early flight out and the room was available at 10

I hit D back

“Where we at?”

D - knowing me too well - tiptoeing around an inevitable crash out, sent the address of the hotel

Not the name of the hotel, just the address

…the full address like you would sending a package like

1234 Main Street (not the real address, obvi)

Columbus, OH 43212

Hm. That’s funny…why didn’t he just, send me the name of the hotel? I know we aren’t doing an Airbnb for something like this. Lemme look it up

I copy the address and paste it on Google Maps. The address didn’t bring up the hotel name, but dropped a pin in an area that had a hotel next to it

Springhill suites by Marriott

Ah, that must be it. I hit him back

"The Marriott, right?"

"Nah, the one next to it."

I go back to the map and X out of the address and notice the name of a hotel I’ve never heard of. I tried to say it aloud in my seat moments before my flight took off

Ogle…Oger…Olengant—Olentangy Mote—AYO

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I could, but I couldn’t in that moment

This man put us at the Olentangy Motor Inn.

My nigga, what the fuck is an Olentangy?

Who is Olentangy?

Why is it a “Motor” inn???

Are we in an RV park?

Inn??????? And it’s not a Holiday? It’s an…

I sent him a screenshot of the hotel

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? My nigga, do you not see the bedbugs in that picture I sent you?!

I should've sent him the google maps link because I don't know where he got "high ratings" from when they have a 3.-something star review and it's listed as a 2-star hotel. I confronted him about the bedbugs and he replied

"Anywhere can get a case of bedbugs. I already swept the room anyway..."

Bro, that doesn't help the situation at all; my conspiracy theory hat is telling me you knew about this and refused to tell me where we were staying because you knew I would say no - especially if it's *checks notes* $One hundred and thirty dollars a night. After more unpromising reassurance, I told him

"If I get in there and it's busted man I gotta look somewhere else or sleep at the airport"

*double tap laughing emoji*

This nigga thinks I'm playing...

. . .

I landed in Columbus at 3:30 and let him know I was about to order an Uber to the hotel. I open the app, and

...ain't no way...

...ain't no fuckin' way.

So, you're telling me I'm paying the price of the hotel for a one way trip to the hotel?

I call D in a tailspin and ask how much he paid for his Uber earlier

"Uhhhh...around $30?"

"IT'S $60 FOR AN UBER TO THE HOTEL BRO!"

With no empathy in his voice, he replied

"...daaaaaaamn. Airport prices are crazyyyyyy..."

I almost threw my phone across baggage claim. Ain't no way I'm paying $60 for a one-way Uber to the hotel. At this point, I'd rather turn around and fly back home. I was this(ssssss) close to changing my flight and going home when I saw the flight attendant crew (from the flight I was on) walking through baggage claim and out the door to ground transportation

DISCLAIMER: Don't ever do this.

I sprint outside with my backpack and catch up to them at the crosswalk

"Hey! I was a passenger on your flight, I'm trying to get an Uber into the city and prices are stupid high, do you mind if I can hitch a ride with y'all to the hotel?"

They all look at each other and give a "why not?" shrug, and told me it was up to the van driver if I could tag along. I told the van driver I'll cover the tip for the entire van, and he obliged.

Work smarter, not harder.

. . .

I get to the hotel downtown and rebook my Uber, this time costing me a whopping $8(!!!) and made my way to this...Olentangy Inn D booked us. I shot him a text letting him know I'm a few minutes away and asked where to meet him. He said

"...bet. room 135, on the right."

On the right? I'm sitting in the Uber confused because I saw pictures of the room and decor inside, but nothing "inside" like the lobby or pictures of meeting/fitness rooms. The driver dropped me off in front of what looked like a coffee shop

"Is this it?"

"Yeah. Olentangy Inn, right?

My eyes search for a sign with the name of the hotel, and I find it in small lettering above a much larger sign that read "CRIMSON CUP", which makes sense because the optics made it seem like he dropped me off at a...drive thru coffee shop. There was no official entrance to the hotel, and I didn't see a lobby in sight

"Is...the hotel attached to a coffee shop?"

The driver didn't have time for my questions. He knew this was the place because the sign read Olentangy Inn. I got out the car and, with a slight paranoia making its way through my bones, walked around the drive through coffee shop. Now I know what D meant when he said "on the right"

Oh. This isn't a hotel. This is a Motel. Outside entrance. I don't see a lobby anywhere and I'm not gonna bother to find it. This is where not to go after the streetlights come on. This is the type of place with "hourly rates." As I finish my turn, a powerful stench of urine burns the hair in my nostrils. I look up to see the right side of the HMotel and see

Oh hell no.

I slowly walk to room 135 and attempt a deep breath before I realized what I was inhaling, then quickly stopped before I vomited. I give the door a good knock and D answers

"Yo, what's up?"

As I walk in, my eyes shift around rapidly like a health inspector walking into a restaurant looking for a reason to shut it down. As the door behind me closed, my panicked eyes shifted to the handle of the interior of the door and the dirt around it. I began to notice a plethora of "violations"

D spidey sensed my impending crash out

"See? Clean..."

To prevent crashing out seconds after walking in and Ubering back to the airport, I ignore his comment. I notice there's two beds. One looked made and untouched, the other must be his. He said there were no bedbugs. I repeat my thought

"You swept the beds? You said there weren't any bedbugs?"

"Well, my bed..."

Why I oughtta...

I put my backpack on the desk after scanning it for stains, and made my way to the unchecked bed to start my sweep. As I steadily lifted the corners of the bed on each side, D - with his small stint housekeeping on the side years prior - offered a pro-tip

"Okay so, take the hotel key and glide it around the edge of the valance. If you see tiny black dots moving around, that means there's bedbugs..."

I lift the mattress and slide my hotel key on the edge of the valance, just like he instructed. I didn't come across any bedbugs, but there were a few black dots not too far from the edge

"Ayo, what's this?"

D came around to my side and studied the dots as if he were in a lab. He moved it around with his hotel key

"Oh that's just...it's not bedbugs, you're good."

I check the sheets and pillows and cautiously lay my head down, trying to take a nap. I told D

"I'm gonna take a nap until like, 7 then head over there..."

D looked at me, confused

"Bro, the game starts at 7."

I shot up

"I thought it started at 7:30!"

In a panic, I open my phone to look at my ticket, and low and behold...7 PM.

D continues his sales pitch

"...and the pregame starts at 5, it's a few blocks away from the stadium. The whole crew is gonna be there, like 200 deep..."

I look at the clock on the dresser. It's 4:50 PM

"Fuuuuuuck, man..."

"Open bar too, courtesy of the team reps!"

He had my curiosity, but not my attention. As much as I love an open bar, I need to prioritize sleep, because I've barely gotten any.

"I don't know man, just give me a few minutes to rest my eyes."

I couldn't rest.

I spent the next few minutes studying the room; ceiling, walls, sink, imagining what's under the bed - even thought it's "clean" - worrying if the boogeyman was in camouflage and was gonna make itself known by the end of the night. I opened the hotel page again on Google Maps and started to dig deeper at the reviews, instead of looking at the initial pictures. I saw a bunch of 1-star reviews for various reasons; most were about service and the quality of the room, things you'd expect from a place like this. Then, a particular review caught my eye when I changed the tab to "most recent"

"BRO. Listen to this review:"

D turns his attention from the TV to me

"The room is ok but better not look under the bed"

D didn't show any concern since we looked under ours

"That's probably an old review, they said these rooms have been renovated..."

I look at when the review was posted

"THIS WAS POSTED TWO HOURS AGO!"

His face flushed with concern

"Uh...I mean..."

When was this place renovated, 2006? I'm not buying it.

I dig deeper, and was horrified by what I saw next

"YEEEEOOOOOO! I'm getting the fuck outta here."

I turn my phone to him and he started scanning around the room again for bedbugs, this time with genuine concern

"See?! I don't care if it was months ago, I can't do this."

I begin swiping and typing with the urgency of someone discovering Tinder in 2013. Every hotel was astronomical in price, and before I could mention it to D, he spoke up

"All the prices were stupid high for tonight. I think something is happening at OSU."

It hit me in that moment we were mere feet away from (The) Ohio State University campus

"When did you book the room?"

"A week ago."

My nigga...you had four months to book a room for this game, and you book it a week out?!

I try my best to maintain my composure - not well - but he's still alive and well as of me typing this story so I consider that a success

"A WEEK?"

The scrolling on my phone became aggressive because if I put my phone down, I wasn't sure what my hands would've done. It wouldn't have been good for anyone or thing in that room

"Yeah man, everything was booked..."

He goes on with his explanation but I had all my focus on the multiple tabs of hotel apps on my phone, looking for something - anything - better than where we are right now. I tried to book a hotel with points, and the dollar-to-point ratio was disrespectful beyond reason. The hotels that were available on the apps were equivalent - if not, worse - than this place; $130 for here, $300 for a Days Inn

S M D F T B

I make a hail mary attempt at booking a hotel in a way that I hadn't in years: my company's website

"I'm gonna go through my work portal and see if they have anything available for a discounted price."

After I put in my information on the work portal, I stumble across a hotel I've never heard of for $175

This is doable, I think to myself. It's indoors, there's a lobby, the reviews are...better, most people are complaining about the AC but I can survive that for a night, I think? No bedbug reviews, it's in the city and closer to the stadium and the airport. Yeah, I'm gonna book it.

By the time I filled out the information to book the hotel, our Uber to the pregame bar arrived. I forgot about the hotel and we make our way to the pregame.

ACT III: "AM I DRINKING BEER OR WONTON SOUP?"

As we walked into the bar, I noticed a few purple jerseys (our team colors) spread out the bar, then locked eyes with a looooooong table, seemingly reserved for us

"Thank you BasedG--fuck, I need to book that room!"

As we made our way to the table, I kept running into people because I was hyper-fixated on entering my card information. After tax, the room came out to $200 and I clicked book. D turned to me while I was still face first in my phone waiting for the confirmation email

"Yo, you booked the room? Does it have two beds?"

Oh no.

"...shit, I forgot to look..."

I received the confirmation email and it was a 1 king bed room, but D said he was okay with staying at the Inn..and I was more than okay with paying an extra $70 for some comfort and peace of mind. I took a deep breath of relief and finally looked up from my phone. I was surrounded by several people in purple shirts and jerseys, and I felt at home for about three seconds until I realized I didn't know a single soul in the group we were in. I turn to D

"Aye...who are these people?"

D does a quick scan of the 20-or-so people at the table

"I think these are the people from the other supporter group..."

Great.

Our team loyalty is through a different supporter group, and I didn't see any of our usual suspects; no Jared, no Bo, no Derek...I thought we were supposed to be rolling 200 deep (combined?) according to D from earlier conversations. There's like, 30 people in this bar wearing purple and I know a total of one person

"...I need a drink."

We head to the 360 degree surrounding bar and get the attention of one of the bartenders. We exchange pleasantries as I do a quick scan of the beer on tap

"Hi! Uh, can I get a..."

My scan became panicked because I didn't see anything I'd want, so I did Russian roulette

"...blueeee moon?"

"16 or 32 ounce?"

Wait...32 ounce beer? I look at my watch and it's 6:15 PM. The bartender noticed my indecision setting in

"If you want to walk outside and drink your beer, you can do that in Columbus. But you gotta finish it before you walk into the stadium."

Say word?? And - guesstimating - the stadium is a ten minute walk away. I think I can knock half out here and the other half on the way

"32 it is!"

Just as she asked for my card, I remembered the open bar the team representative (who was with the gaggle of "unknown" supporters) set up for us

"Oh, and it's under the Orlando City tab."

The bartender tilts her head to the side

"The who?"

I turn to D

"Didn't they say we had an open bar?"

D seemed as confused as I was

"That's what I was told..."

Without looking back, I point my finger behind me signaling the group I was with

"I'm with them, they said we had an open tab set up."

The bartender shifts her eyes above my head, then back at me with suspicion. I turn around to find plates, napkins, empty glasses, and receipts on the long table, and a total of zero human beings in that part of the restaurant

Goddammit.

"Where the fu...yanno what, here's my card."

I swivel my head around the entire bar like the little girl from The Exorcist to find the group of people that were in that area literally two minutes ago. I looked out the window of the bar and they were all outside, preparing their march to the stadium. I turn back to the bartender and she has a 32 ounce blue moon, equipped with their signature orange on the edge of a - I shit you not - large deli container. Yanno, they type of container you put a full size of wonton soup in from your local Chinese joint. I had to pick up the container with two hands

"I guess I have to drink this whole thing on the way to the stadium..."

D received his 32 ounce beer and we headed out the door to find our people at the edge of the sidewalk; except we were shorthanded by about...165 people. Thankfully, we found our usual suspects and after meeting them I had to ask while on the way to the stadium

"Yo Jared, wasn't there supposed to be around 200 people coming to this?"

He looked at me like I had two heads

"Who told you that?!"

I rubberneck my head to D, who definitely heard the exchange, but definitely stared ahead while sipping his beer. I'd given up on being mad; I'm here, my boys are here, and I have a tub of beer that I need to finish in five minutes. I brush off my inquiry and join the rest of the supporters

"...nothing, forget it. VAAAAAAAAAMOOOOOOOSSSSSS...VAMOS ORLAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNDOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

EPILOGUE: CRASHING OUT IS TEMPORARY, MEMORIES ARE FOREVER.

No adventure is perfect. Ever. I've learned that time and time again, and still find myself amidst the chaos of these away days with people I hold close to my chest. I know I'm a bougie motherfucker; my boys know, my best friend knows, everyone in my circle knows. I could steer the ship of every trip I'm a part of, but I know I'd be a headache to deal with, given my ENTJ/Type A personality. It's hard for me to deal with these situations in the moment, but the people around me - my people - know that I'll laugh it off and have a story to tell the homies that weren't with us when we get home. My away days are almost always chaotic. For most of us, traveling in general is chaotic...

...but I love the chaos.

I fucking love it.